Again

Again

There are days when I am tired,

And I'm weary of this earth.

Sometimes I only want to hide,

When I cannot see my worth.

So I walk outside the open door,

Into the gently pouring rain.

I've been in this place before,

And here I've found myself again.

You'd think I'd learn the first time.

This isn't where I want to be.

I wish that I could find a sign,

That You're taking care of me.

I tilt my face up to the sky,

Even though the sun is gone.

I shut my fists and whisper, "Why?"

I know that I'm not strong.

I close my eyes against the rain,

As it streaks across my skin.

You love me through my tears and shame,

And you wash me clean again.

A Thousand Blue Eyes

A Thousand Blue Eyes
Like a thousand blue eyes in a field of green sun,
The garden comes to life with the wind in its lungs.
The rain starts up like a child, gentle and sweet,
Before rearing up bitterly and coming in sheets.
The flowers rear back as their petals are bruised.
The leaves of the grass become torn and abused.
But then it all passes, and the storm goes away,
Like a thousand blue eyes in a field full of day. 
2-17-10

Dusk

Dusk

Like a father's gentle touch,
The sunset slowly fades.
The striking colors disappear
In a sweet farewell to day.
A music box, the crickets come,
A shadowed symphony.
The moon shines like a lantern,
Keeping stars good company.
A breeze begins to gently blow,
Chilling the newfound night.
Creatures tuck their young to bed,
And await the morning light.

May 24, 2008

Formerly called "Twilight"- before I had even heard of the popular book/movie series- this is something I wrote at the end of my Freshman year in high school. 

Every Breath

Every Breath

If I was a flower, then You'd be the sun. 
I'd soak in Your love with each breath of my lungs,
And know that You would not fade.
If I was a river, then You'd be the ocean,
Giving me life through Your power and grace,
And I would feel so in awe of You.

You search each heart and You know my name.
You give me a hope that I can't explain.
And all I can do after all that You've done,
Is give You my every breath.

If I was a garden, then You'd be the rain.
You'd fill me with breath, and You'd keep me sustained.
And I'd feel the care that I don't deserve.
If I was an acorn, then You'd be the tree:
The Maker, Protector, Creator of me,
And each day, I'd grow more like You.

You search each heart and You know my name.
You give me a hope that I can't explain.
And all I can do after all that You've done,
Is give You my every breath.

The stars can't contain You.
The world can't restrain You.
And with everything You have done in me,
I will give my all to You.

You search each heart and You know my name.
You give me a hope that I can't explain.
And all I can do after all that You've done,
Is give You my every breath.

February 7, 2010
The draft of a song I wrote... I don't know yet if I'll put this one on my Youtube account, but I do like the words, and I thought I'd share.

No Regrets

Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder how I'd change things if I could go back a few years.  I know it is useless to dwell on the past, but I often do wish that I could go back to when I was thirteen or fourteen years old.  I like to ponder how I'd be different, how I would change things if I knew what I know now.

Two years ago, a friend of mine named Gatlin committed suicide.  It feels weird to say that it's been two years.  It seems like a shorter amount of time that that.  Gatlin and I were friends for around three years before he died.  While we were friends, we would sometimes have casual conversations about suicide and death.  I was depressed.  He was depressed.  I thought that it was natural to talk about the the way you feel.  I never thought that he would actually fulfill his word- at least not before I did.  I never told a parent.  I never did anything about it.  When he actually died, we hadn't discussed things like that in months.  I was finally happy.

His death came as a horror and a shock to me.  I felt more guilt than I'd ever felt before in my life.  Why didn't I ever tell anyone?  Why didn't I question him more than I did?  Why did I naturally assume that if he didn't talk about wanting to die, then that meant he was happy too?  My thoughts plagued me more with each passing day.

If I got the chance to go back three or four years, I would appreciate my friends so much more than I did back then.  I would treasure each moment with Gatlin, and I would also treasure moments with other friends that I lost: friends I lost because of silly fights and arguments that won't ever matter in the grand scheme of things.

If I could go back, I wouldn't encourage the discussion of death and suicide.  I would talk about life and about Christ and about having a future.

And most importantly, if I could go back, then I would tell somebody when Gatlin told me the things that he did.  I wouldn't let myself have a reason to blame myself for his death.  In fact, I would do everything I could possibly do to prevent it.  I don't know why I didn't act on his words.  I don't know why I didn't ask for help.  But I didn't, and it's too late to change that.

If you have a friend that loosely mentions topics like suicide and depression, please don't trust that they're never going to act on their words, because they might.  They could do something that you will regret for the rest of your life.  Tell someone you can trust.  Go to www.suicidehotlines.com and ask someone there for counseling.

And most of all, please treasure the relationships that you have.  Don't let yourself have reason for regrets.  Love your friends.  You may not have them with you forever.

If you could go back a few years, what would you change?  Would you change anything at all, or do you have no regrets?

Refreshed

Sometimes the Lord presses something into your heart.  He starts gently at first, maybe putting a little thought in your mind that makes you think twice.  If you still do not listen, then He presses a little harder, until you realize that this is something He wants you to do or to understand.

And then, when you have obeyed this calling from God, you feel so free and refreshed.  You feel like a burden has been lifted off of your shoulders.  Something worldly and difficult is now out of your hands and placed into God's.

Isn't it nice to feel brand new again?