A little broken.

Today I'm going to get a little bit more personal than usual, and honestly, I'm a little uncomfortable about it.  I'm not even sure if I can form what I want to say into rational thought, but I'll try. 

I feel like the Lord has been rebuking me today.  I'm not sure how I know this exactly, but I do.

Since I've been back from college, my heart has been pulled in a direction it's never been taken before.  My thoughts and much of my conversation have been consumed by these emotions and I've rationalized it all in my head by saying, "It's okay.  It's normal."  Everyone who knows about this has chuckled and agreed that it is a normal thing, and you know, it probably is.

But I shouldn't be normal.

Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."  I am not of the world.  I am a child of God... so just because it's a normal thing of the world to have one's heart taken and overwhelmed by thoughts of something else, I don't think this should be normal for me.

I should spend more time thinking, daydreaming, and talking about my precious, beautiful Savior than I do about anything else.

I rationalize it all to myself, thinking: "I go to church, life group, Breakaway, and I have small Bible studies with my friends.  I have a daily quiet time.  I spend so much time with the Lord.  Surely all that is good enough."  But it's not quantity that matters... it's quality.  Am I putting Him absolutely first in my thoughts each day?  No, not always.

Today I've been thinking about my heart and my emotions and how I could possibly have wedged something in my mind so deeply that it's overpowered my thoughts to the extent that it has.  Today, the Lord has asked me to repent of that and set my gaze fully upon Him.  It's not easy, but I am.  And I'm ready to let my mind be transformed again.

I know there will be a time when I'll be allowed to open my heart more than it is now, and that time could be quite soon, but it isn't today.  I feel like God placed a hand on my shoulder and He is whispering into my ear, "Wait, Emily.  Give it a little more time, and in the meanwhile, look to Me instead." 

I want to open my heart to grow in Him, not to fill my desires on my own terms.  I truly believe that if I seek the Lord whole-heartedly, He will fulfill every desire of my heart.  He knows what is best for me and I do believe He's working on this exact situation.

So yes, my heart feels a little sore today.  I'm having some conversation with my Father and not everything He has to say feels so good in the moment.  But then again, it does.  I trust Him.

It will be okay.