Before I share today's part of the blog challenge, I'd like to share a quick prayer request with you all.  My little sister Amy just underwent surgery today for a detached labrum (hurt shoulder).  It was hard for me to be so far away while all of this was happening.  Not only did I want to be there for my sister, but I also wanted to be with my family during a time like this and I was stuck ten hours away.  That has been tough.

She made it out of surgery quickly and safely.  Although recovery is going to be tough (six weeks with little use of her right arm), she is okay.  If you could remember to say a few prayers for her over the next month and a half, that would be wonderful.

As for the blogging challenge...

Day 2: A book you love.

I haven't been reading many books outside of what I've had to read for school recently, so I had to think hard to come up with a good book to write about.  I finally settled on CRAZY LOVE by Francis Chan.  This book is phenomenal and changed my perspective on God's love and about something even more important that I've struggled with in my life: stress and worry. 

One of my favorite quotes of all times comes from CRAZY LOVE.  I think about it all the time, almost every single day.  Check this out.  The first time I read it, I felt like I had been slapped... but in a good way.

Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives.  Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace towards others, or our tight grip of control.

I am a worrier and I tend to stress out... a lot.  CRAZY LOVE helped me to get a grip on my focuses on life.  God loves me.  That's all that matters.  Everything else is so insignificant compared to His crazy, relentless love.  I would recommend for anyone to read CRAZY LOVE.  It is a quick read and somehow manages to fill you with both joy and conviction at the same time.   

Here is the description on the back of the book:

God is love. Crazy, relentless, all-powerful love. Have you ever wondered if we're missing it? It's crazy, if you think about it. The God of the universe--the Creator of nitrogen and pine needles, galaxies and E-minor--loves us with a radical, unconditional, self-sacrificing love. And what is our typical response? We go to church, sing songs, and try not to cuss. Whether you've verbalized it yet or not... we all know something's wrong. Does something deep inside your heart long to break free from the status quo? Are you hungry for an authentic faith that addresses the problems of our world with tangible, even radical, solutions? God is calling you to a passionate love relationship with Himself. Because the answer to religious complacency isn't working harder at a list of do's and don'ts--it's falling in love with God. And once you encounter His love, as Francis Chan describes it, you will never be the same. Because when you're wildly in love with someone, it changes everything.

And that's a book I love.  CRAZY LOVE.  Francis Chan.  Check it out here.

Today I'd like to share a verse with you that has been brought to my heart the last week and a half or so.  Ahem, please open your Bibles to Philippians 1:21... or keep reading right here.

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."

I enjoy reading multiple translations and paraphrases, so here is the same verse in the New Living Translation.  I love this translation of the verse.

"For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better."

This last week has been one of the hardest weeks I've had in a quite a while.  Nearly every day I've woken up and become immersed in my own worries and hurt.  It's so easy for me to lose track of what life is all about. 

To live is Christ. 

I've felt alone, broken, stressed, and hurt.  I walk to class, study, go to sleep, struggle to maintain new relationships and continue to build my friendships here... and occasionally, I'll spend an entire day focusing on my concerns more than I focus on Him... or on anything, for that matter.

This reminds me of my favorite Shane and Shane song called "I Miss You."

I had a fleeting thought this morning and I mentioned You today.  It breaks my heart just to know You in part and not to be with You where You are.

Living means living for Christ.  I want every part of my life to be for Him.

My life isn't easy right now. 

But it's not about me.  It's about Him.  Lately, I've been trying to change my perspective around... and that's hard to do sometimes.  But here's how I'm re-molding my mind with His help.

• On bad days, I purposely wear Christian t-shirts and cross necklaces so I'll be constantly reminded to act like a city on a hill, even when I don't feel like it. 
• I've tried putting encouraging Bible verses around me so I'll think of His promises rather than my own doubts. 
• I make it a little game to mention Him in every conversation I have. 
• And Stephanie and I have been meeting every Thursday as accountability partners.  We share Scripture with each other, pray together, and talk through any of the doubts or struggles we've been facing throughout the week.  That's been a huge blessing in my life. 

And you know, I think this is working more and more each day.  The Lord is restoring my heart piece by piece.  And even during the hardest weeks like this one, I am constantly reminded that He is there.  He is holding me.  He loves me despite everything I've ever done. 

It's funny because many days living here, I feel so pumped up in my faith.  Living in a place where I'm the minority is invigorating.  It's one of the biggest mission fields I've ever seen.  And then a week like this will happen and I'll start to lose focus.  Again.  I can never forget all that He has given me.

Living means living for Christ.

The other day, I was walking to class and I saw an unusual sight.  Although I do see the occasional adult who has decided to return to college (and then a few professors here and there, but they are always very recognizable), elderly men are generally an uncommmon thing to be seen on campus.  Especially a lone man dressed in nice clothing and standing a few feet away from a sign that said: FREE BIBLES FROM THE GIDEONS.

I love the Gideons.  And the sincerity on the old man's face made my heart reach out to him.  In nearly ninety degree weather, the elderly man held out New Testaments to students walking by.

I was surprised at the abrasive responses I saw from passing students.  Some waved the man off irritably, some ignored him completely, and some snapped "No!" or "I don't want one!"  One student even said in an angry voice, "I don't want your Bible."

The responses made me sad.  About a week or two ago, a couple of Mormons were passing out tracts to passersby, and while I didn't see the same level of angry reactions that were directed towards the old man, most students brushed past the two young men without saying a word.  What's interesting is the fact that as a Christian whose set of beliefs is very different from the Mormons', I was very happy to say hello and smile at them as I walked by.  Their efforts did not offend me at all.

Really, why is passing out Bibles so offensive?  The old man wasn't threatening the fires of hell or judging the people around him.  He wasn't even necessarily trying to convert people to his faith.  He was simply passing out New Testaments... allowing students to study for themselves in order to know what they believed.  He wasn't being malicious or holier-than-thou.  He was only trying to share what he thought could help those around him.

As a Christian, it can be difficult to step out and be a witness.  I've gotten snide remarks and dirty looks over wearing a Christian t-shirt.  Sharing my faith opens myself up to even more anger.  Witnessing is difficult and not always very fun, but it's the greatest expression of love I can think to give to those around me.  This is why I'm not offended when people of other religions (kindly and politely) offer to share what they believe with me.  The biggest way I could show love to an unbeliever would be to say, "This is what changed my life and this is what has saved me."  Not to force my beliefs upon someone (because I am very eager to hear what he or she has to say about their beliefs, and if they say no, then I'm okay with that.  I've done my part), but only to share what saved me.  And this is all the Gideon was doing.

The students waved the old man away from them with expressions of resentment and irritation.  The man nodded and smiled, continuing to quietly offer New Testaments to anyone who would take one.  Out of probably thirty students I watched pass by, only one took a Bible and he did so without hardly stopping to look at the Gideon. 

When the man saw me, he offered the Bible in my direction, the same way he had with all of the other students.  I smiled at him and said thank you, hoping my words would refresh him after the torrent of negativity he'd received from other students.  "God bless you," the old man said, grinning, and he took yet another New Testament from his nearly-full box to offer to passing students.

The Gideon's New Testament now rests in my purse and I plan to give it away someday.  In love.

Perspectives

I ache to hear Your whisper,

But my fear shuts You out.

I cannot help but wonder

How all this has come about.

I've wandered and I've waited,

And now I'm feeling tired.

My thoughts are on my troubles

When they should be reaching higher.

I know You hold my every thought.

I am cradled in Your palm.

I try to understand Your plans,

But my perspective is too small.

I'm young. I don't know many things,

But You've known since the start.

So break apart my every fear.

It's You who's won my heart.

Emily Whelchel

8-31-11

As a Christian, I'm a minority on-campus at my large state university, Texas A&M.  Recently, I've come to realize the importance of being a light for Christ in every aspect of my life.  People look at me and my actions and think, "That's what Christians are like, so that's what Jesus must be like too."  It's so important to be a witness in everything I do.  Of course I'll mess up sometimes... and I do frequently, but it's so important to try.

Occasionally, I'll come across someone who is unraveling the few positive opinions there are left of Christians.

For example:

There is a young man who I typically call "The Screaming Bible Guy."  I've seen him on campus two or three times in the last few days.  He'll find a busy corner or a group of people gathered together, stand right in the middle or a few feet off to the side... and start screaming.

"REPENT!  REPENT!  TURN FROM YOUR WICKEDNESS OR FACE THE FIRE OF ETERNITY!  DO YOU BELIEVE IN HELL?  DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD'S WRATH?  REPENT BEFORE YOU FIND YOURSELF BURNING FOREVER IN THE PIT OF ETERNAL FLAME...  YOU ARE WICKED!  THE STUDENTS AT A&M ARE WICKED!..." and etc. and etc. and etc.

This guy is a Texas A&M student.  He's young, curly-haired, small-built, and he wears a pair of black glasses.  He doesn't pace when he yells, but instead sways passionately and waves his Bible in the air.  When he screams at everyone, his voice is so loud and carries so far that he almost seems violent.  It's a bit frightening, to be honest.

Once I saw The Screaming Bible Guy standing in the middle of a common area, screaming at everyone around him.  People were moving about a hundred feet away at the very closest in order to pass him to go to classes.  This guy looks vicious when he yells.

The other night, I saw a freshman leadership group having a meeting outside.  This meeting happened to contain a stereo and a bit of dancing (there may have been some inappropriate dancing... I'm not sure.  I'm not a part of this group and I didn't stay to watch).  Probably a mere three or four yards away stood The Screaming Bible Guy, doing his best to yell at them over the music.  Everyone ignored him, but I couldn't help but feel very embarrassed because of what the guy was doing.

Does he actually think he's affecting these students other than causing fear, irritation, and anger against the Christian faith in general?

I admire this guy's passion and zeal, but all he's doing is hurting his witness.  No one will listen to him.  The harshness of his words will only shove people away and cause them to never look back.

The first time I saw The Screaming Bible Guy, I felt a great sorrow.  During my literature class, I scrawled out a quick poem.

LOUD WORDS

Your loud words echo in their ears,

But don't you see? They do not hear.

Harshness doesn't bring true faith.

You speak of fire and not of grace.

I see your heart. I see your zeal.

This truth I know you greatly feel.

However loud your words may be,

They'll pull away. They will not see.

His love matters, not the other,

So THAT'S what you should preach, my brother.

9-19-11

Emily Whelchel

Since then, I re-wrote the poem onto another sheet of paper and included my email address.  And the next time I see The Screaming Bible Guy, I will approach him, hand him the folded up sheet of paper that contains his poem, and say, "I wrote this for you."  If he has anything to tell me after that, he will be able to email me. 

I don't know if he will change his screaming ways after I give him the poem.  But I feel like I need to share with him the truth of what he is doing.  He will win no hearts for the Lord with his anger and loud words.

I haven't seen him on campus for a couple of days now, but when I do, he'll get a poem (and I'll be sure to let you know what happens).

Day 10: 1 Confession

Today is the last day of my ten day blogging challenge.  Did you take the challenge along with me?  Will you take the challenge later?  If you do, let me know in a comment so I can follow along. 

I've been dreading this last topic because I'm not quite sure what my "one confession" would be.  I tend to share a lot of things about myself on this blog, so most of you know what I've been through and even quite a few of the struggles I'm going through right now.  I'm not sure if I have much of a confession to share.  But the day has come for me to write about "my one confession" here, so I should probably think of something, however lame my "confession" might be. 

Okay, after puttering around a bit, I've decided on a confession.  Ready?

My name is Emily and I still doubt.

Jesus Christ has shown Himself in my life in so many ways.  He has worked through me despite my many faults and stubbornness.  He has forgiven me each time I messed up, held my hand as I cried, and brought me through circumstances I never could have overcome on my own.  And yet after a particularly difficult day, I sometimes find myself questioning Him.

"Why would You let this happen to me?  Why does life have to be so hard?  If You're here for me always, then why do I feel so alone?"

I have no right to question the Lord, and yet I confess, I still do.  Sometimes I still wonder if it was the right thing to let Him take control.  I still recklessly attempt to take control of my own life.  I still stumble, fall, and return to Jesus with bloody knees and scraped palms... and He always takes me back.  Every single time.

I cannot comprehend how powerful His love is.

I don't deserve to be loved by Him.  I don't deserve to be forgiven.  He gave everything so I could be saved... and I still pull away from Him.

After everything I've done, after every mistake I've made, after every unnecessary doubt that has passed through my mind, He still loves me.  He still carries me through every trial.  He still picks me up off the ground and kisses those scraped palms and knees.  I owe everything to Him.

My name is Emily and I am LOVED.

Day 8: 3 Things You've Learned Recently

1.) I've learned the value of relationships.  I'm an introvert by nature.  Back at home, I was often happy to spend several days alone in my room (or in my house, if my parents went out of town) with only my writings and guitar to keep me company.  Here, I get alone-time all the time and after a while, it's not fun anymore.  It's just plain lonely.  Since the closest family I have is two hours away, I've had to rely on friend-relationships, which can be difficult when you haven't made any close friends yet!

I'm finally starting to make a few close relationships.  I've really connected with a friend from Impact named Stephanie.  She's sweet, positive, and has a huge heart for the Lord.  I'm growing closer to Rebecca, who has been my friend since middle school.  And I've made a few godly guy friends who have blessed me in so many ways. 

I'll admit: it's still lonely being away from my family and most of my "usual" friends.  I don't like living hours apart from those I love.  However, without the relationships I'm making here, I don't know if I could make it through.  Close relationships are vital to happiness.  I can see now why Adam was so lonely in the Garden of Eden.

2.) I've learned that as a Christian, I'm a minority.  Never before have I heard so much cussing in casual conversations all around me.  Never before have I seen so many immodest outfits worn on a day-to-day basis.  Never before have I heard so many people mock God and the Bible and faith.  Honestly, it's broken my heart. 

As I write this, I'm wearing a t-shirt that says, "If there is no God, nothing matters.  If there is a God... (flip to the back) Nothing else matters." 

I've heard so many students say things like, "I hate church.  I don't believe in God.  The Bible is a joke."  With each angry word, they are spitting in His face.  And then I look all around me and see the pain and confusion in the faces of so many young people.  There's an emptiness in their lives that is so evident, but they just don't see it.

Where I came from, nearly everyone was a Christian.  I lived in the Bible Belt, attended a Christian school, had nearly all Christian friends, was surrounded by Christians.  And while some were Christians in name only and may have turned away from Him with their actions, they still believed in God.  They often still went to church and were part of a youth group of some sort.  Here, it's flat-out denial.  A big adjustment from where I've come from.  As a follower of Christ, I'm the minority here.  When I mention Him, I get weird (or even irritated) looks.  There is a lot of prejudice against my faith and stereotypes about who I must be. 

But you know, I'm not sad that I'm here.  In fact, I'm glad.  I'm willing to be a city on a hill and do my best to shine for Him, even if I mess up sometimes (which I know I will).  Texas A&M is a huge mission field.  There are so many students who only need a seed to be planted. 

3.) I've learned that I don't know nearly as much as I once thought I did.  A few years ago, everything was black and white to me.  I treasure knowledge and I like to know what I believe and why I believe it.  People would often come to me with questions about theology and controversial subjects and say, "What do you think about this?" because I nearly always had an opinion about it... and if I didn't, I was eager to research it and form an opinion.

After a year of confusion and emotional (and spiritual) struggles, I've finally come to realize how little I actually know.  I'm young, I'm naive, and while I might have knowledge about things, that doesn't mean I know.  I was just having a conversation with a friend the other night about how that during this difficult transition time of starting college and all that, the only thing that we can know with absolute certainty is God's unfailing love.  Life and death and earth and beauty and everything is His.  He loves us with an everlasting love... and right now, even if I'm exhausted or confused or in the midst of the struggle, I am content to let His love be enough. 

I'll still research and learn things because I do like to know what and why I believe, but above all of that, I want to place His love as what matters most.  Sometimes I'm going to have to sit back and say, "I don't know why this has to happen" or "I don't know whether this is true," but ultimately, I can look to Him and He will love me through it all.

---------------------------------

What are some things that you've learned recently?

When I was in middle school, I stopped believing in God.  I think there was a piece of me that still believed He existed, but I was just so angry and bitter against who I thought He was that I refused to have faith for any longer.  I was very depressed.  Self injury became the main outlet for my feelings, which only ended up hurting my heart even more.  Over time, I became suicidal.  I hated myself and thought I was absolutely worthless.  All I wanted was to die and simply become nonexistent. 

As I finished eighth grade, nothing about my life was getting better.  I was miserable, fearful, severely depressed.  Cutting was becoming such an addiction that I couldn't find a way to stop on my own, even though I could tell it was destroying every part of who I was.  While I still refused to allow myself to believe in God, one day I finally broke down and prayed something like:

"God, I've been trying to control my own life and I can't do it.  If You exist, then work through me this summer or I will end my life for good.  If You show me that You exist, You can have my life.  I don't want it anymore."

That summer, the Lord did work in my life in ways I could not have imagined.  By the time school began in August, I was on fire for Him, more so than I had ever been in my entire life.  I wanted to give everything I had to God, every single part of me.  My life was His.

All of that happened more than four years ago.  I was not yet a freshman in high school, while I am now newly a freshman in college.  In so many ways, the person who I was while I was in the midst of self injury and suicidal thoughts seems like another human being.  It all seemed to happen a lifetime ago. 

I still love the Lord.  I still believe in Him.  However, I'm afraid that sometimes I forget the promise I made to Him.

He showed that He could work in my life.  He showed me that He was there.  So my life is His.

And yet there is still a piece of me that wants to take it all back and say, "Thanks for patching things up, God, but I can take it from here."  I want to do this, go there, become this kind of person.  I want to make my own plans and carve out the path for my own life.  I'm clutching dreams in my hands that are my dreams more than they are His.

I cannot forget.

Without the Lord's help, I would either be dead right now or a very angry and confused young girl, lost in my shame and bitterness.  Without Him, I wouldn't be anything.  The fact that parts of me still try to turn from Him and attempt to make my own path again is almost unbelievable.  And yet I still do this.

God, even if you must break me over and over again to gain my loyalty, then do it.  My plans on their own will only lead to sin and failure.  Your plan is so much bigger and better and more beautiful than anything I could ever imagine.  Please show me the things that You want me to pursue.  Reveal to me Your heart and Your will for my life.

A song comes to mind in this moment.  I am pretty sure it was written by Jeff Johnson, who was actually the worship leader at Impact, but I heard this song for the first time during chapel at my high school.  The lyrics are a little frightening to my selfish heart, but they are so true.  Brutally honest.  The song is called "Ruin Me." 

Ruin my life, the plans I have made. 

Ruin desire for my own selfish gain.

Destroy the idols that have taken Your place,

'Til it's You alone I live for, You alone I live for.

I can never let myself forget the things God has done in my life.  I can never let myself forget that I am living for Him, not for my own glory and success.  I am His.  I must follow His plan rather than mine in every aspect of who I am.

I'd like to share a memory from Impact camp. 

At Impact, there is a competition for the "spirit stick."  In order to win this spirit stick, each camp must come up with a cheer.  The cheer should be well-organized, entertaining, and very spirited.  For one cheer, my cabin (the Benjis) changed the words to "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele, singing instead, "The scars of His Son remind us of love. They keep us thinking that Jesus paid it all... Jesus paid it alllll, died for you and meeee.  He holds my heart and soul in His hands..."  Another time we changed the words to "Colors of the Wind" by Pocahontas. 

Every camp becomes pretty involved in these cheers and we got to watch a lot of clever acts.  After the third day, our counselors took us aside and apologized.  We were all spending too much time trying to think of the best cheer when we should have been spending valuable time fellowshipping together and diving into God's Word.  Their words were so true and such a reminder of what a spirit-filled place Impact is.

So we stopped trying.  We only had one cheer left for the fourth day and we didn't plan for it at all.  Right before we left for the assembly, someone said, "Oh, yeah.  We don't even have anything.  What should we do?" and someone shouted a song.  The entire process took less than two minutes.  No practice, no planning.  We didn't expect to win and we didn't care.  Spending Jesus-time with each other seemed so much more important than silly cheers.

We gathered together with all of the other camps and listened to all of the cheers.  They were all so funny and entertaining.  It was such a joy to see the smiles on everyone's faces.  When it came time for our turn, we stood up and sang together: 

"Jesus loves the little Benjis.  All the Benjis of the world.  Yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow.  Jesus loves the little Benjis of the world."

After we were finished, the judges deliberated together.  In a matter of seconds, they stood up and said, "The winner of the spirit stick is...... the Benjis!"

That was... us.

Wait.  What?

We stood and cheered and hugged each other like every cabin had, but surprise lit up all of our faces.  What on earth?  The one cheer we hadn't discussed or practiced won?  It was such a good feeling to know that even though we decided to put the Lord first, we didn't have to fail at everything else. 

Winning the spirit stick wasn't a huge deal to us, not anymore, but on the last day of camp, it was like icing on the cake.  It brought smiles to all of our faces.  It was such a great feeling.

This experience was such a camp thing, I know.  Spirit sticks, cheering competitions, Benjians...  However, that day reminded me of real life.  Sometimes it can seem like giving up when you decide to put Christ over everything else.  Giving up a job you wanted or setting aside more time in God's Word instead of putting time into something you enjoy or want to do. 

Putting the Lord first is NEVER failure.  While God should always get the glory, He will never leave us in the dust.  His plan is so much greater and more wonderful than any good thing we could ever plan for ourselves.  God wants great things for us.  He wants us to put Him first and while life won't always be easy, He will ultimately bring so much joy to our lives if we follow Him.

And you know, even if we had not won the spirit stick, I don't think it would have dampened our spirits whatsoever.  Changing priorities can sting in the moment.  It can be tough to give up something special to your heart.  But once those priorities are changed, you realize what actually matters.

In life, putting God first will always bring more joy and fulfillment than anything else ever will.

Okay, girls.  This is for you.

Today I'd like to talk about dating in high school.  If you're in middle school, go ahead and add yourself into this conversation as well.

I'm JUST starting college, so I'm barely out of high school.  I remember like yesterday (because it basically was) how much pressure there is to have a boyfriend.  I remember my senior year, I mentioned to one of my friends that I'd never kissed a guy, and this friend literally said in a kind, but very patronizing way, "Awwwww, Emily.  That's so cute!  But... why?"  While I am so blessed that my closest friends also abstained from romantic relationships in grade school, I know what it's like to feel pressured to date.  I know that most people look at you like you're crazy when you say, "No, I'm not looking for a boyfriend.  I don't want a high school relationship."  I know because that's what happened to me.

And I know that it's more than just peer pressure.  Sure, it's not fun to be given strange looks and teased because of a choice, but we aren't finger puppets.  Our actions aren't controlled by our friends.  We're individuals.  We can make our own decisions. 

Having a boyfriend seems wonderful.  When you watch a movie like Twilight or Dear John, how can you not feel a little ache and wish that you had a beautiful relationship like that?  I think everyone wants someone who will hold them close and love them unconditionally.  When you doubt yourself and you doubt some of your friendships and you doubt your home life and you doubt everything around you, a steady relationship with someone who loves you with every piece of his heart sounds great.  I get that. 

Occasionally, a young girl writes me and tells me that she really, really, really wants to start dating in middle school or high school.  She just really, really, really wants to have a relationship with a guy who loves her.  These girls often struggle with whether or not they should give into their feelings and date someone.  When they come to me for advice, here is my typical answer:

WHY do you want a boyfriend at this point in your life?

You're obviously not ready to start looking for a spouse.  You can give me the expected argument: "I have a teacher/friend's mom/neighbor/uncle/grandparent who started dating someone in high school and they're happily married, so there."  I know, I know there are stories like that in real life.  But they aren't the norm.  In fact, they're very, very rare.  They're so rare that you can't use those instances as an excuse to start looking for a boyfriend at 15, 16, 17 years old.  In fact, I'm almost nineteen and I still struggle to imagine myself being married, even if I'm "legally" old enough.

That's the purpose of dating though, isn't it?  (If not, then shouldn't that be the purpose?)  It doesn't make sense to try to fall in love if you don't want to get married.  When you start a relationship with someone, you should be thinking: he might be the one.  In high school, it's not time to be thinking about marriage.  And if he's really the one, then why wouldn't he be willing to wait a few years for you both to grow and mature?

So if you aren't yet ready to start searching for a future husband, then why do you want a boyfriend right now?

The reason why I personally wanted to have a boyfriend while I was in high school was because I wanted someone who would love me for me.  If I got into an argument with a family member, if I had a bad day at school, if I was feeling worthless or ugly, I wanted someone who would compliment me and mean it, who would hold me close and whisper sweet nothings into my ear, who would write me songs, who would say "I love you" and mean every word.  I wanted a boyfriend so I would feel special and loved.

Is that much different from the reason why you want a boyfriend?  To feel good?

The problem about this is that when you're still in grade school, it's simply not time to awaken those romantic feelings.  You've probably heard the verse that every single Christian dating book tends to mention, Song of Solomon 2:7. 

"Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."

That verse used to bug me so much when people used it to say: "See, this verse is proof that it's a sin to date in high school!" 

"Until it so desires?" I would think to myself.  "Are you kidding me?  How do you know it doesn't desire right now?  I feel like I'm ready to find love."  But let's be logical.  Yes, Mary fell in love as a young teen.  Juliet fell in love at thirteen.  But in this day and age, is it healthy to fall in love as a young teen?  Is it realistic that you'll stay together?  Is it good to fall in and out of love when you're not even old enough to drive a car?

When you're truly mature enough and ready to start looking for the guy that the Lord wants to put in your life, then perhaps it's time.  Then perhaps you can arouse or awaken love because it so desires.  But right now, what is the purpose?

Before, during, and even after a high school relationship, your thoughts and feelings will be consumed by a boy.  When you're crushing on him, you cannot help thinking about him all the time.  Believe me, I know.  Throughout the day and night, your mind wanders to him: what he's doing, who he's talking to, whether or not he's thinking about you too.  During the relationship, you'll constantly think about him and want to be near him.  After the relationship, your mind will still frequently wander to him.  You'll still want to know what he's doing, who he's with, whether or not he still thinks about you.  Your mind is going to be packed full of thoughts about this guy for a long time.

The teenage years are a time to grow closer to the Lord and develop a strong foundation in your relationship with Him.  Right now is when you need to start setting your standards and try to discover who God wants you to be.  When you're focused on a boyfriend, then it is so easy for your thoughts and your heart to become distracted from Him and instead set upon him.

Now I'm not going to go so far as to say that dating in high school is necessarily a sin, at least not in every case.  It's a tough decision that is ultimately up to you and your parents.  However, I do think that dating while in high school will most likely lead to distraction, heartbreak, and doubt in yourself, others, and even in God. 

Right now, while you're growing and transforming in your relationship with Christ, ask Him to become those feelings of fulfillment and adoration that a boyfriend would give you.  I know it isn't going to be the same, but it has the potential be even better. 

:)

I recently got back from Impact camp.  To be honest, I was dreading it more than I would even admit aloud.  I was pretty sure I wouldn't enjoy Impact, but I was attending because I felt like I desperately needed to meet some Christians who were going to A&M.  I dreaded being surrounded by people I didn't know.  I dreaded attempting to sleep in a room filled with other people.  I dreaded being outside in the heat for hours at a time.  I dreaded using up a few of the precious days I had left with my family. 

Even as Mom, Amy, and I pulled into the parking lot and were surprised to see several brightly-dressed counselors cheering and waving us inside, I was feeling panicked and saying, "I don't think I can do this.  Camp just isn't my thing.  I don't think I can do this."

Sometimes if I had my way, I think I would allow my fear to define me.

I plastered a smile on my face, my typical reaction to new places and frightening crowds, and shuffled through the registration line.  I received a yellow lanyard with my name written on a laminated tag that said "Benjians."  I was ushered into a large, loud group of other yellow-wearing teens.  The counselors were dressed in neon hats, tutus, and tall socks.  They had all bleached their hair and many were whooping like Indians.  We were the Benjians, after all. 

Everyone was meeting each other, shaking hands, laughing and joking.  I continued to smile, but inside, I felt like my world was crumbling around me.  This was so far outside my comfort zone that any sense of security or calmness seemed too far behind me to ever find again.  Having a "speed dating" session during the two hour bus ride to the campgrounds and meeting about fifty people during this time did nothing to calm my nerves.  So many faces.  So many names.  So many stories.

I went to Impact camp figuring I would hate it while it lasted, but that it was necessary to make some great Christian friends, so I would try to make the most of my situation.  I had no idea how much I would actually enjoy myself while I was there.

An honest fear of mine was that it would be difficult to find other Christians at a state school.  After attending Impact, I have no doubt that God is moving at A&M and that I can be a part of His work.  I learned that 1 in 7 kids at A&M will have gone to Impact, which is fantastic.  I went to a ministry fair and found some great church and mission prospects.  I made some great Christian friends.  My counselors were so enthusiastic and Christ-like.  By the end of the week, I looked up to them so much.

God really taught me a lesson during those days.

Just because something is outside of my comfort zone doesn't mean that it isn't a good thing.  Yes, throughout the entire four days, I was continually thrust into situations that made me feel anxious and uncomfortable... but that wasn't bad.  Without Impact, I think I would be much more terrified about moving out in a few days than I am right now. 

Impact is doing huge things for A&M.  I've never been so impressed with a camp before.  Impact finds counselors who are willing to be very active in the lives and spiritual walks of their kids, even after camp is over.  Impact has prayer teamers who are constantly in prayer for the freshmen.  Everyone prepares for Impact and prays over the freshmen eight months before the camp even begins. 

Christian friendships are made, a community is created, and much-needed advice is given.  I was shown the importance of attending church while in college and of getting involved in a Christian organization right off the bat.  I was told ways to balance studying and social activities.  I learned the importance of being a light for Christ every step of the way.  We got the opportunity to meet representatives from churches, Bible studies, and Christian sororities and fraternities.  In breakout sessions, we were taught how to glorify God through our lives while at A&M. 

I learned so much and even though I felt uncomfortable at times, I am so glad I went to Impact.  I've never been so glad to have been thrown out of my comfort zone.

Instead of the blogging challenge, which I'll resume tomorrow, today I'm going to share some important prayer requests.  While you're reading this, I am at Impact camp at Texas A&M.  Impact is a short camp for Christian freshmen who are attending A&M.  I'm writing this ahead of time and I'm very nervous about the camp.  I'm not an outdoorsy person and I'm most definitely not an outgoing person.  I'll be in a strange place surrounded by strangers, sharing a room with at least one person I don't know.  A little out of my element, which can be good for me at times.

Anyways, I could really use your prayers right now.

1.) Please pray that Impact will be everything it needs to be for me.  Pray that I will be able to overcome my shyness and make wonderful Christian friends who will make starting college so much easier and who will hold to the same standards that I do.  Also please pray that my insomnia won't take over and I'll be able to sleep at night.

2.) Travel prayers would be very nice as well.  I will be traveling to and from A&M (which is ten hours away from my house) a few times this month. 

3.) Please pray that my transition to college will go as smoothly as possible.  Pray for my homesickness to be minimal, that I'll be able to overcome my fears, and that I'll be able to make friends.

4.) I'd also appreciate any prayers regarding my classes.  I'm nervous about a few of my classes (College Algebra and Government, to be specific).  I know I have the ability to pass them with A's if I try hard enough, but please pray that God will give me the strength, memory, and perserverence to make good grades this semester.

5.) I really need to find a good church and Bible study group.  I'll be visiting a lot of churches over the next few months and I'd really like to find one that will help me grow in my faith.

Thank you so much for all of your prayers.  They are so important me, especially during this crazy time of my life.  If you have a prayer request (or more than one!), feel free to leave it in the comments.  I will gladly pray for you too. 

There isn't much of the summer left.  In two days, I'll leave for Impact camp at A&M.  After that, I'll have only four days left at home before I move out.  I have literal days left before my summer is over.  And honestly, I've been spending a lot of this time worrying.

I'm moving ten hours away from my home.  Most of my friends will be gone.  My family will be gone.  I'll be on my own.  On August 16, I will leave my home for the last time until October.  This is a scary thought. 

I see so many graduates all around me counting down the days until they move out.  So excited.  And here I am feeling frightened.  Afraid.

I'm scared that I won't be good at living alone, that I'll mess up.  I'm afraid my classes will be too hard.  I'm afraid I won't be able to find as wonderful Christian friends as I have back home.  I'm afraid I'll get sick and I won't have my dad.  I'm afraid something will happen and I won't be able to get home soon enough.  I'm afraid I'll be so, so homesick.  I'm afraid.

Lately, every time I feel a pang of fear in my gut, I try to tell myself, "God did not give you a spirit of fear, Emily."

It's true.  He didn't.

2 Timothy 1:7 - "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline." 

I think it comes naturally to be afraid of the unknown.  This is truly the unknown for me.  I've lived in the same city for almost fifteen years.  I've had many of the same friends since elementary school.  I've never lived on my own before.  This will be a brand new adventure in my life.

But I don't have to be afraid.  I can have peace.

Even if I'm scared about college, God has given me His spirit to conquer those fears, to overcome them.  I have power to live on my own and be independent.  I have power to be confident in myself and in Him.  I have power to keep my standards.  I have power to overcome timidity and homesickness through Him.  I can love everyone around me.  Jesus will show me friends who also want to glorify God with everything in them.  I will have enough self-discipline to live on my own, because that's what the Lord has given me.  I'll make good grades.  I will be on time to my classes.  I will live the way God wants me to live.

I do not have to be afraid.  He has given me a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline.  His strength is within my reach if only I will ask Him for courage and peace. 

Am I as excited about moving out as some people are?  No, I'm still not.  I know it will be a difficult transition to make.  It's time for me to grow up, which is frightening.  But I don't have to be afraid.

I'm so thankful for a God who isn't going to leave me, even as I begin a brand new walk of life.  He's going to be holding me close every step of the way.  So I'll trust Him.

I have not been given a spirit of fear.

Today marks a special day in my life. 

Two years ago, I was a counselor at Angel Tree Camp, an annual four-day-long camp for kids who have incarcerated family members.  This was my third year to be a counselor.  Being with the kids always taught me so much.  Many of them had been physically and sexually abused.  They all lived with so many doubts, fears, and insecurities.  The girls would ask me things that left my head spinning, like, "We actually get THREE meals a day here?!"  Eleven girls were in my cabin that year, from my city, and they'd been through so much more than I could ever imagine.

I'd just gotten back from Kenya, Africa the month before, so my heart was nearly bursting with passion for the mission field and ending poverty.  While these girls faced different struggles than the kids in Africa did, their trials and hardships were still very real and very painful. 

Each night we would go to a big meeting where the camp pastor would speak about God's love and forgiveness and faith.  One night we put floating crosses in a lake and had each camper light a candle representing someone who had hurt them in the past.  When they placed the lit candle on one of the crosses, they were expressing their forgiveness for that person.  The exercise was filled with tearful embraces, painful memories, and a lot of prayers. 

On one of the last nights of the camp, after a beautiful prayer walk that lasted much longer than expected, the pastor asked if anyone wanted to be baptized.  This was a spur of the moment decision.  We all sat or stood around the camp's swimming pool, several kids dangling their legs in the still water.  It was about 11:00 at night.  Most of the kids hesitated.  Since nearly all of them lived in the same area of town, they went to the same schools and lived on nearby blocks.  They were all peers.  Everyone was watching.  Peer pressure can be tough on a child who is already insecure. 

I immediately felt a tug on my heart from the Lord.  Be an example.  It's time for you to be baptized.  After such a God-filled summer, baptism seemed like the perfect way to declare my commitment for the Lord.  But... I was a counselor, not a camper.  Despite my mental protests, the tug on my heart wouldn't stop. 

Several of my girls had given their hearts to the Lord throughout the week.  I could see them hesitating just like I was.  It's a frightening moment to step in front of hundreds of your peers and be baptized.  After a few agonizing moments, I decided to obey the Lord.  My voice wobbled as I spoke to one of my best friends' mom, who was the music leader at the camp.  "I need to be baptized."

"You haven't been baptized?" she asked, sounding a bit surprised.

I shook my head no.  "This is something I need to do."

Still dressed in a pair of denim capris and a t-shirt, wearing glow-in-the-dark jewelry, I stepped into the cold water and embraced my pastor.  When I remember that moment, it feels hazy and far away.  I know I felt God all around me.  My heart was pounding a million miles a minute.  Tears were streaming down my cheeks.  I remember torch light bouncing off the water.  My pastor said a few sweet words about me and then he baptized me before the entire camp.

I remember emerging from the water, hearing the cheers of my friends and kids.  I remember being wrapped in a towel and shivering violently in the cool night air.  My girls practically tackle-hugged me when I returned to the edge of the pool where they sat.  Several of my best friends, who were also camp counselors, tearfully embraced me.  It was such a special, special moment. 

Probably thirty campers were baptized that night and a few counselors as well.

I'm so glad I obeyed God's whisper in my heart.  I will never forget that night.

August 2 will always be a special day in my life because it was the day I was baptized.

What's your story?

Today is part two of the Q&A day on my alphabet blogging challenge.  Because I have the best readers ever who asked lots and lots of questions, I decided to split Q&A day into two days to make the huge blocks of information less overwhelming.  Again, thanks so much for all of your questions.  It means a lot to me that you took the time to ask them.  I answered every question I received before July 29, so if your question wasn't answered here, it should be answered in Q&A Day (Part ONE).

16.) What's the craziest thing you could ever do for God?

- I think once I would have said that the craziest thing I could do for Him would be to die as a martyr, but I don't think so anymore.  Of course that is something I would be willing to do, but it isn't the craziest.  I think the craziest thing I would be willing to do is to give my entire life to Him.  Not just give my life, but give the moments I'm alive as well. 

I want to be willing to make sacrifices that seem insane to everybody else.  I want to be able to abandon everything for Him, spend hours with Him, and become more like Him.  John the Baptist, Moses, Paul, Francis of Assisi... all of those guys seemed a little crazy, right?  I want to be able to be crazy for God like that.  To give everything I have to be who He wants me to be.

17.) I was wondering, how do you get so many people to read your blog? I mean, obviously you don't know everybody who reads your blog (like me) but how do you get them to start reading it?

- I'll admit it's been surprising how many people have read my blog.  I first started out thinking that nobody would care to read what I have to say, but in the last fourteen months, I've gotten more than  420,000 views.  I'm so thankful I have this blog as an outlet to share my heart, my thoughts, and my writing.  I want to blog for the rest of my life now.

I'm not exactly sure how I've gotten so many people to read my blog.  It's really up to whether people like what you have to say, I suppose.  Write about things that you would want to read if you were a visitor to your blog.  Always be honest.  Use proper spelling and grammar whenever possible.  Use paragraphs.  Write frequently (like every day or at least three times a week).  If you want to advertise your blog on Facebook and Twitter, go ahead.  I haven't done much advertising.  I should probably advertise more than I do, in fact.  If you write something that others like, then they'll share your blog with their friends and they'll be sure to come back and read more.

I think one very important thing is whether or not you write for the views.  I don't write for the views.  Although I love it when people read and comment on what I have to say, that isn't why I write.  I think if I started advertising on here all the time and sounding desperate for views and followers, it would start to become annoying and even affect the quality of what I have to say.  I started out with two or three views a day... sometimes no views at all.  At times, I've gotten up to 6,000 views a day.  Lately I've been getting about 300 or so views a day.  But how much do views really matter? 

Just write from your heart.  It might take a while, but people will want to read what you have to say as you continue to mature in your writing and slowly gain some regular readers.

18.) What do you think will be the hardest thing about leaving home for college?

- The hardest thing about leaving home for college will definitely be leaving my family and friends.  I spend a lot of time with my family.  My mom and I go shopping together, eat lunch together, and watch movies (and Lost) together almost every single day, so it's going to be strange not to spend a lot of time with her.  My grandparents and I are also very close, so it's going to be hard only seeing them once every month or two. 

I know teens hang out with friends a lot, but my friend situation is different than most.  Because Ali has been living at my home and the homes of two other friends throughout the year, our three families have kind of turned into one big family.  For holidays and birthdays, our three families usually get together.  It's been so special to grow even closer to my best friends.  We've all become family to each other.  I literally spend time with my friends every single day, whether it's at family functions or just hanging out.

I'm sure every new college student has to face the stress of making a brand new group of friends and living on their own. I expect that it will be very hard for me to have to start over after making such close friends as I have right now.  I don't know anyone who has a better group of friends than I do.  We are so close knit that we literally call each other family.  It's so special.  So that's what will be hardest for me.  Leaving the ones I love.  After all, I'll be moving ten hours away.  Thankfully, one of my best friends will be going to A&M with me, so we'll be able to spend some time with each other throughout the year.  Praise God!

19.) How are you dealing with the drought?  What kinds of rules/laws are put in place because of it, and how are you adapting?

- The drought has been very difficult on my family since our well is going dry.  We're having to use water bottles and jugs of water for everything.  The water that we have left is a sandy-brown color and unusable.  It's also been difficult because of the fire warnings.  Several houses have burned down in my city this summer because of fires.  It's a scary thought to know that one spark could wipe out our entire area.

The biggest law right now is that no fireworks are allowed anywhere near our county.  This was so sad since 4th of July is my favorite holiday.  However, fireworks are a luxury, so while I was disappointed that we didn't get our annual display out at my house, it wasn't that big of a deal.  Our city is considering setting up a water ration.  This would mean that each home would no longer be able to water their lawns and could only use a certain amount of water a day.  This actually would not affect my family whatsoever because my family doesn't use city water.  We have our own pitiful well.

20.) If you could have lunch with any person, dead or alive, who would you eat with?

- This is easy.  Elvis Presley!  I have a bit of a crush on him and I would love to eat a meal with him.  If I was lucky, we'd fall in love and get married the next day. ;)  Actually, I'd love to ask him some questions about his faith and his music.  If not Elvis, my second choice would be Michael Jackson.  After him would be Ted Dekker, my favorite author.

21.) Who inspires you?

- People who outshine their disabilities inspire me so much.  If I ever decide to have kids and make a family, I would seriously consider adopting a child with a physical disability (like an amputee).  I don't know why, but whenever I hear stories about amputees who are so positive and so inspirational and determined, tears come to my eyes.  I believe God puts every one of us here for a reason, disabled or not. 

People who have joy despite terrible circumstances also inspire me.  Seeing the children in Kenya who loved life and who loved Jesus even though they had nothing changed my life forever.  It was amazing to me that joy could be found in such a desolate place.  Pure joy is such a rare and special thing.  I believe I found it many times in the hearts of those living in Africa.

22.) What is your favorite verse?

- I talk about my favorite verse a lot on this blog.  It's Psalm 77:19, which says, "Your path led through the sea, Your way through the mighty waters, though Your footprints were not seen."  It means so much to me because it got me through a particularly difficult time when I felt like I was drowning in a sea of pain.  I couldn't find God's presence anywhere, but His footprints was still there.  He was still working in my life, even when I couldn't find Him.

23.) What has been the best piece of advice you have ever heard?

- I really like this question.  During a tough time in my life, a sweet lady named Tanya Gordon befriended me and mentored me for several months.  She helped me and encouraged me in so many ways.  In fact, I'm not sure where I would be in my faith right now if it wasn't for her friendship.  It was also her idea to put my story of overcoming cutting and depression onto paper to inspire others.  Anyways, one of the best pieces of advice she gave me during this time was that the depth of my valleys indicated the height of the mountains in my life later on.  Perhaps I was struggling because I was being tested for greater things.  I'd never heard that before and it touched me so much.  In fact, I've said that same thing to several others who are struggling because I believe it's true.  So thanks, Tanya.  Your advice meant more to me than you will ever know.

24.) What are you most nervous about with regards to leaving for college?

- I almost blended this with #18 above, but the questions are a bit different, so I decided to answer them separately.  While the hardest thing for me will be leaving my friends and family, I don't know if that is what makes me the most nervous.  I think I'm the most nervous about becoming an adult and living on my own.  I'm not independent yet. 

My car was hit today by someone pulling into a parking spot while I was inside eating lunch.  Even though it wasn't that big of a deal and I couldn't have done anything about it, I felt panicky and unsure of myself until my mom took over and told me what to do.  I may be eighteen, but I still feel like a child in a lot of ways.  Moving ten hours away from my parents and living on my own scares me quite a bit.  However, I know it's time for me to grow up.  This is something that needs to happen.

25.) Is there any way for you to make your website be able to be followed?

- I am not a computer person.  I'm a writer, yes, but I don't know a whole lot about computers and the internet.  I'm pretty sure that if you click the button at the bottom of this page that says, "Subscribe to this blog's feed," you'll get an email every time I post something, but honestly, I've never tried it for myself.  I use an awesome website called www.bloglovin.com to follow my favorite blogs.  Blog Lovin' is my internet addiction.  Simply type in the address of all the blogs you follow and it'll keep their latest posts all on one page.  This is the easiest way I've seen to check if someone has updated their blog.  You just have to look in one place.  Blog Lovin' is amazing. 

26.) How did you overcome self-harm?

- This is a big question to answer in a small space like this.  Overcoming self-harm wasn't easy and sometimes I'm still tempted to start back.  It is a very tough thing to overcome, but it's so worth it.  One of the biggest things that made me stop was wanting to stop.  I could tell myself over and over, "I'm going to stop.  This will be my last time.  No more," but until I was determined to end the addiction and treat my body the right way, I didn't have the will power to stop cutting.  You have to want to stop. 

Finding positive outlets for negative emotions is also vitally important.  You have to decide, "Next time I get upset or have a bad day, instead of self-injury, I'm going to ________."  Your outlet could be writing down all of your anger into a journal and then crumpling up the paper.  It could be playing an instrument.  It could be going on a five mile run.  Whatever it is, it needs to be healthy and a way to vent your pain and frustration. 

Find accountability.  If you're feeling tempted to self-harm, call up a friend.  Don't let yourself be in a room by yourself.  I know it can be a horrible feeling to tell a friend you self-harm, but if you're struggling to overcome that addiction, you need to let somebody know that you haven't cut in ____ days.  Keep track of how long you've been without cutting.  You'll want to be able to reward yourself with each special date that goes by.  The first day, the first week, the first month, the first year.  Every day you go without hurting yourself is reason for celebration.  The longer you go, the easier it will become.  Also, if you keep track of how long you've gone without cutting, you reallllllly won't want to break that by relapsing.

You'll need to learn to love yourself again.  If you're constantly telling yourself, "You're stupid.  You're ugly.  You're worthless.  You deserve to die.  I hate you," then it will be hard to see why you shouldn't self-harm.  Deliberately look in the mirror and point out your attractive features.  Make lists of things you like about yourself.  When you mentally (or audibly) say something negative about yourself, correct it immediately.  Deuteronomy 14:1-2 says, "You are the children of the Lord your God.  Do not cut yourselves... Out of all the peoples on the face of the earth, the Lord has chosen you to be his treasured possession."  You are treasured.  Keep reminding yourself how special you are, even when you don't feel that way.

Most importantly, you need to start to repair your relationship with God.  He will give you the power to overcome any addiction.  All you have to do is ask.  When you're feeling tempted, spend time in prayer.  Read the Bible.  Learn more about God's promises for you.  He will help you overcome self-harm, just like He helped me. 

27.) What is your favorite film?

- "The Truman Show" is probably my favorite movie of all times.  A close second would be "Pirates of the Caribbean" and then "August Rush."

28.) What do you believe about God using people?

- I wish I had more context surrounding this question so I could know more of what you mean.  Do I believe that God uses people?  Definitely.  I think He used Moses to free the Israelites from slavery.  I believe He used Deborah and Esther to save Israel.  I believe He can use anyone for His glory, even someone who doesn't believe in Him.  Think about how the Lord used Pharaoh in the Bible, even though Pharaoh rebelled so strongly against Him.  God can use anyone.  I pray every day that God will use me to further His kingdom.  If I knew more of what you were asking, I think I would be able to answer this question better.

29.) Are you ever going to post more songs on YouTube?

- For those of you who don't know, I have a music channel on YouTube called EmilythePerson.  I haven't posted a song in a few months.  I know it's been a while, and yes, I do want to post more songs on YouTube eventually.  What I've actually been doing lately is recording an album.  It isn't professional quality (I'm using a microphone and some basic software), but it will be a gift for some family members who enjoy listening to my songs and will miss my voice while I'm at college.  After I finish recording that album, I'll definitely start posting more songs on YouTube and hopefully some before then as well. 

In the meantime, I have another YouTube channel that I use more regularly.  It's a vlog called TheLifeofEmily.  I post all sorts of things like adventures with friends, clips of my puppy, and behind the scenes of Ali's and my "Facing Prejudice" social experiment.  On average, I post something new about two to three times a week.

30.) I don't think I would be comfortable enough to just let anyone online know my secrets. Do you think not being that open with others is a bad thing?  (Someone actually commented and asked me this question on Q&A Day part one, but I felt like it was a big enough question to include in this post.  It deals with a somewhat controversial topic about how transparent Christians should be.)

- I feel like one difference between the person asking this question and me is that although I choose to keep some things private for now, I don't feel like they're secrets.  At this point, I don't think certain things in my life need to be shared online and I don't share everything I'm going through, but if I was asked directly about those things or if the Lord asked me to share them, I would do so without hesitation because I don't feel like they're secrets. 

I do believe that we as Christians should attempt to be transparent with our lives.  We are a city on a hill.  People are watching us to see how we live our lives and whether or not we own up to our faults. I believe we need to allow our issues to be used by the Lord, but I don't think this means you have to voluntarily share everything with everyone all at one time. If you are struggling with a private trial, then I don't think you have to step up and share that struggle with the entire world to ensure you are transparent. Share what you feel the Lord is asking you to share, and don't try to cover something up if you're confronted about the issue.  Keeping secrets is a risky business.  You can be open and honest without voluntarily sharing everything in your heart. 

On my blog, I tend to share more of my past trials that I've been able to overcome through Christ than the things I'm struggling with right now (although I'll make an exception if I feel the Lord is asking me to share while I'm in the midst of my trial).  The main reason I share as much about my emotions and trials as I have is because I feel like I've messed up a whole lot, but God is able to use the story of my struggles to encourage others. If that's the case, I'm willing to swallow some of my shame and embarrassment to follow what I believe God is asking me to do.

So I don't think we have to share everything with everyone, but I do believe we need to keep our lives open enough to be willing to share something when God asks us to share it. After all, according to Matthew 10, "...nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim from the housetops..." Eventually all that is hidden will be revealed, so don't desperately rely on the privacy of your secrets. Always keep your mistakes, struggles, and victories open for the Lord to use. :)

--------------------

Thanks so much for the questions.  :)

This summer, I've been able to see the Lord work in the lives of my friends.  I'd like to share a story with you that has inspired me SO much.  If you know me in real life, please realize that all names have been changed because of the personal nature of this particular story.

A close friend of mined named Alice decided to attend our church's high school camp last minute.  Neither one of us is a big part of our youth group, especially now that we've already graduated, but another friend convinced her to go literally a few days before the camp.  She told me she wasn't really looking forward to it, but she wanted to be open to whatever the Lord had in store for her.

Will, a guy whose parents forced him to go to church camp every summer, was also attending the camp.  He was very outspoken about how he did NOT believe in God, how he did NOT want to be there, and how he did NOT want to talk to anyone.  He dressed in gothic clothing, with huge black pants covered in chains, a long black trench coat, fishnet sleeves, spiked jewelry, and massive combat boots.  His long, black bangs fell over his face.  Will stood off in the back of the room during worship service.  He ate alone during meals.  While a few people would occasionally venture over to him and ask if he wanted to join them for lunch or an activity, he always refused and he was eventually left alone.

When Alice told me this story, she explained how that from the very beginning, while everyone kept far away from Will, she felt this strange urge to love him.  As Christians, yes, we're supposed to love everyone.  It's easy to say, "I love everyone," but in the case of a mean, angry person who dresses drastically from everyone else, while we might "love" them deep inside, it can be very difficult to express that love.  Alice explained to me that while Will was placed on her heart and she prayed for him frequently, she was hesitant to approach him.  After all, he looked... scary.

As the camp continued and Will acted out with harsh words and then pulled away, everyone began to avoid him more and more.

Every night after a worship service, everyone would break out into prayer groups before joining back into a large group of people.  All the teens began to pile out of the sanctuary, gathering with their cliques of friends.  That's what feels natural and more comfortable for prayer, after all.  Alice lingered behind, fighting an inside battle.

Like always, Will was dragging his feet, waiting until everybody left so that he could wander off by himself or sit alone during prayer time.  Alice could feel the Lord telling her to ask Will to join her prayer group, but she dreaded approaching him.  She dreaded the angry response that was sure to come.  In all honesty, she was a little afraid of Will. 

Alice told me that her spiritual struggle lasted throughout the entire walk through the sanctuary.  I don't want to talk to him.  Please don't make me. I'll pray for him, but why do I have to pray WITH him?  There's no way he'll agree.  Finally she reached the back of the room where Will still stood.  Taking a deep breath, she crept towards him and said, "Hi, Will. Would you like to be in my prayer group?"

Much to Alice's surprise, Will agreed and followed her outside.

Alice was horrified to realize that she had taken too long and everyone had already broken out into prayer groups.  She finally managed to find two other stragglers who Alice didn't know very well.  Everyone went around the circle and prayed.  Alice suddenly felt an urge to pray aloud for Will.  Fear gripped her heart.  Will had made it very clear that he didn't want anything to do with prayer and God.  What would he do if he found out she had been praying for him all week?

When it was Alice's turn to pray, she finally swallowed her fear and began to say something like: "Jesus, I want to thank you so much for Will.  You have placed him on my heart so much lately.  Please give him strength and help him through whatever he's dealing with right now.  Please show him that You want to be in his life."

After Alice prayed, Will's turn came around.  Tension hung in the air.  Everyone knew that Will had refused to pray all week.  But for the first time, he started to pray.  His sentences were short and a little uncomfortable, but they actually seemed... sincere.

After a few minutes, the other two stragglers excused themselves and left, but Will and Alice continued to sit together, a little awkwardly at first.  And then Will spoke without any sort of prodding on Alice's part, commenting on how the worship service had actually touched him and that his prayer during their small group was the first thing he'd prayed in years. 

All of a sudden, Alice started talking to Will about faith and trust and all sorts of things.  She told me later that she hardly remembers anything she said, that it all seemed to come from the Spirit and that she could hardly believe what she was saying.  Alice and Will talked for two hours, long after all of the other groups had finished their prayer time.  Nobody dared approach them because for the first time all week, it seemed like Will was having a spiritual breakthrough.  Something big was happening.

Alice ended up leading Will to the Lord that night.  By the end of their prayer session, they were both weeping, their shirts soaked with tears.

Even after WIll excused himself to go back to his cabin and compose himself, Alice said that she couldn't stop crying.  She was an emotional wreck all night, but not in an embarrassing or shameful way.  She felt like God was so close and so present in that situation.  She was amazed by how He had used her.

Later that night, Will stood up in front of the entire camp and shared what had happened.  It was an emotional night for everyone.

After camp was finished, Alice told me the entire story.  We talked about it for a long time and by the end of our conversation, I felt so encouraged.  Alice said the experience changed her life.  I can see why.  Even though I wasn't there, it changed my perspective as well.  I'm inspired by Alice's story.  I'm so encouraged that she listened to God and He used her.  Not only was Will's life changed forever, but Alice's was too.

I stil get chills when I think about it.

F: Faith

Summer is usually a time of spiritual growth and revelation for me.  I was able to rededicate my life to Christ the summer before I started high school.  One summer I went to Africa.  One summer I worked as an intern at an inner city ministry and was able to minister to poverty-stricken and hurting kids in my city every single day.

This summer hasn't gone the way I hoped it would.  I've been working a lot of hours each week at a frozen yogurt shop.  I know I should use every opportunity to be a witness for Christ, but this is the first summer where I haven't been in an actual ministry position.  I couldn't attend Angel Tree Camp (a camp that is a ministry towards kids who have incarcerated family members) this year because I was out of town with my family.  I work all day during the week, so I can't volunteer at my two favorite ministries.  Basically, for the first time in my life, I've been out in the "real world" and not in full time mission work.  And that's been a difficult adjustment.

I think this struggle has been good for me, honestly.  I know that the Lord works everything for the good and He has.  At this point, I don't plan to be a full time missionary as a career.  Other than hopefully frequent service projects, I know I won't be able to volunteer every single day while I'm in college.  I need to learn how to be a light for Christ during my normal day-to-day routine.  I'll be attending a secular university.  I won't be living in a highly Christian environment 24/7.  So while this summer has been difficult at times, it's been good for me.

This summer, I've been forced to trust God, even when it hurts.  I've learned that He is ALWAYS there for me, even when I can't see Him.  I've been able to slowly start to grow in areas I didn't even realize I needed to improve. 

It kind of reminds me of working out.  At first, you get sore and grow stronger in your main muscles, like your abs and thighs and biceps.  The more you work out and start to change up your routine, the more you work out muscles you didn't even know you could work out.  At first, you're stiff and sore.  It's painful and you want to stop.  But if you perservere, you become even stronger.  (Weird analogy?)

I know I'll be faced with a lot of brand new struggles and doubts when I move ten hours away to a secular university in five weeks.  Perhaps this summer was to strengthen my faith that God WILL be there for me.

While this summer has been more difficult than I originally expected, I can still feel God.  He has worked in my life and forgiven me for every doubt I've had recently.  I'm so blessed to be His.

No worries.  I'm still doing the alphabet blogging challenge, but I'm taking a break for today to share something that truly touched my heart.

I cannot believe that God continues to hold me tight, even when I deserve to be left alone.  My doubts are so human and immature, but He hasn't given up on me yet.  I am absolutely amazed. 

You might remember July 4th's post, where I compared my spiritual and emotional struggles this summer to the terrible drought going on in my city.  I actually wrote that on July 3rd, a particularly difficult day in my life.  Why that was a particularly difficult day, I'm not sure.  I could hardly bring myself to get up and go to church, let alone pay attention to the music and the sermon.  I actually left during the worship and cried in a bathroom stall, simply because I felt abandoned.  I couldn't feel God's presence anywhere.  It was just one of those days, if you know what I mean.

I honestly didn't feel motivated at all that day.  I probably would have curled up into a ball and stayed there for the rest of the evening if there wasn't a cookout at a friend's house.  Even then, I probably would have stayed at home if it wasn't for Rebekah.  Rebekah is one of my best friends in the entire world.  We've been friends since early elementary school, when we were next door neighbors.  This summer, she's come over almost every single day too, even though we live twenty minutes apart. We watch Lost (our latest addiction), go on walks, take pictures, and talk about boys, God, and other things.  She has been a ray of sunshine in my life this summer.

On July 3rd, Rebekah accompanied me to a cookout and then came over to my house.  We planned to watch yet another episode of Lost, but as we were driving home, we noticed the sky.  It looked... dark.  Overcast.  Was it actually going to rain?

Instead of sitting down in front of the TV, Rebekah and I sat down on the warm pavement outside and waited, breathing in the scent of wet earth.  It smelled like rain, so it SURELY was going to rain.  We waited and waited.  Although the sun began to set behind the dark clouds, it wasn't raining.  Disappointment fogged in my mind.  Of course it wouldn't rain.  Since when had even a few droplets of water touched my property?  Weeks.  Months. 

After a while, we decided that if the rain wouldn't come to us, we would go find the rain.  So we started to walk.  Despite the stormy weather, it wasn't windy outside.  In fact, the clouds merely cooled off the hot summer day and made the walk much pleasanter than it would normally be.  Rebekah and I skipped down the road, drinking cream soda and chatting about boys and college and potential adventures.

After about a mile and a half, we decided to rest.  We stretched out across the black asphalt of the road, staring up at the dark clouds above us.  Why couldn't it just RAIN?  I sure hoped it would, but I couldn't help but think it was impossible.  It wasn't going to rain. 

And then it did. 

At first, one heavy drop darkened my denim shorts and another splashed Rebekah's thumb. 

We immediately leapt to our feet and embraced, shrieking at the top of our lungs.  "Rain!  Rain!  Thank You, Jesus!  RAIN!"  (I'm not exaggerating.)  You know you're in a drought when three or four sprinkles give reason for celebration.

The sprinkles didn't last for more than ten seconds before the actual downpour came.  The rain fell in buckets, drenching us completely before we could say more than a few words.  We danced and skipped and sang, twirling around and around and rejoicing in the pure beauty of the WATER that was coming from the SKY.  Can you believe it?  Rain.

The walk home was long, but I would have never wanted it any other way.  Twice we were asked by passing cars if we wanted a ride, but we declined.  Why sit in a car when you could dance in the rain?  It's not like we could get any wetter.  We ran barefoot through puddles (Can you believe it? Puddles!) and caught raindrops on our tongues.

At one point, Rebekah screamed out above the clamor of the rain, "Thank you so much, Jesus!" and almost immediately, the loudest clap of thunder we had heard so far echoed through the canyon.  We laughed and hugged each other, wondering if the Lord was saying, "You're welcome!" 

It was one of the most beautiful nights of my life.

After about half a mile, as Rebekah danced ahead, I stood still and reached up towards the sky, closing my eyes as the rain poured down my face.  For the first time all day and perhaps even all week, I felt like God was near.  I felt Him hold me.

Hours before, I had written something for my blog, talking about how I had faith that it would rain one day.  That I knew God would send us rain.  And then it rained for the first time in months.  During a time where I felt distant from God, He sent rain.  He didn't just send rain on the earth.  He sent rain on my heart that night too.

It was such a beautiful moment.  It was like the Lord was giving me a huge hug and saying, "Emily, don't you see?  I never left.  Please let me hold you."

Days later, I still feel so grateful, so amazed that He gave me exactly what I needed.  The rain was such a gift to our thirsty city and to my thirsty heart. 

Thank You.

Since January of this year, my city has received less than an inch of rain.  The all-time low for my city is eight inches of rain in a year, but for us to even get that, it'll have to rain seven and a half inches in five months.  Highly unlikely.  I've never seen a drought like this before.  The grass isn't yellow like it usually is.  If the wind hasn't blown it away, it's brown, shriveled, and dead.

The other day, my friend and I were having a Lion King movie marathon.  There is one scene where Simba returns to the pride lands for the first time in years.  He is stunned to see a dry and dead land.  Grass crumbles beneath his feet.  Do you remember?  That is my city.

My family's well is going dry.  Our water is now an orange-brown color, cloudy and filled with sand.  We can't drink it anymore.  We'd rather not wash in it.  We can no longer water what is left of our lawn.  The heat has reached record temperatures.  There have been several fires recently.  Homes have burned down.  My grandma's old farmhouse burned down a few days ago.  A month or two ago, I jokingly said, "Where's a prophet when you need one?"  It hasn't rained in what seems like forever.

Obviously, we cannot have fireworks on the 4th of July.  There will still be a celebration.  I'll get together with friends and we'll try to make the most of Independence Day, focusing on the meaning of the holiday over the excitement of firework displays.

July 4th has been my favorite holiday for as long as I can remember.  I love the cookouts, the family get-togethers, the warmth of the summer nights, the fireworks.  I live outside of the city limits, so friends and family gather at my place to shoot fireworks and light up the sky with vibrant colors.  I love the smells and twinges of excitement and the taste of homemade ice cream.  I LOVE the 4th of July.

It won't be the same this year.

No fireworks.  No sparklers.  Not even the city will have its huge annual display that we watch along the horizon from our back porch.  It won't be the same.

Honestly, this summer has been an emotional struggle for me.  I'm working a lot of hours at a job that isn't for me.  My friends are also working and taking summer courses, so we don't get together often.  My family is running out of water.  My favorite holiday has been turned into a common cookout.  I'm packing up my bedroom to MOVE AWAY from everyone I know and love within six weeks from now.

I'll admit I'm having a harder time than I thought I would be.  I feel like the ground outside right now.  Windswept, parched, and aching for nourishment.

Sometimes the Lord feels so distant.

When I see those around me do amazing things in His Name and I return to my job at a frozen yogurt shop, when I write yet another post for my blog and don't FEEL my words, when I go to bed early because I'm just so TIRED, I feel confused.  Lonely.  Thirsty.

Psalm 77:19 says, "Your path led through the sea, Your way through the mighty waters, though Your footprints were not seen."

I'll admit it.  It's been harder to feel God this summer than it usually is.  And maybe it's entirely my fault.  I can't help but compare my emotional and spiritual weariness and thirst to the land around me.  To the parched ground in my backyard.  To my empty well.  To the state of my city.

We need rain.  It may be our driest year yet, but it WILL rain.  Rain will come and nourish the ground one day.  It will bring color into the grass and water into our wells.  This may not happen for a while, but it will come.  God will never abandon us.  And even when I'm going through a dry spell like I have this summer, I have faith that God will not leave me.  He is still here, even when His footprints are not seen.

If you're reading my blog and I sound insincere or weary, I'm sorry.  It's probably because I AM.  But I have faith that I will get through this with His help.  I'm in a drought, but He will bring rain.

He will never leave me.

I've worn a purity ring since I was fourteen years old.  My dad gave me my first purity ring as a birthday gift.  It was the typical silver band with the words "True Love Waits" etched across the front.  You can get it here.  I loved the ring.  I loved its message and simplicity.  I loved what it stood for in my life.  I loved how blunt its words were.  "True Love Waits."  Nobody would ever question what that ring meant to me.

I lost my ring last summer, much to my dismay.  My new ring is also silver, although this one displays a pearl right in the center.  You can find it here.  It isn't as obvious that it's a purity ring as my first one, but I love it just as much.  It almost looks like a wedding ring, but with a pearl instead of a diamond.

I wear a purity ring as a symbol that I choose to remain pure before marriage.  When I say pure, I mean that I won't have sex before marriage, of course, but I will also try to keep all of my thoughts and actions pure as well.  I choose to stay pure so I can honor the Lord, my future husband, and myself.  I don't want to give away something that was meant for one person.  Hebrews 13:4 says, "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure..."  I want to honor my marriage, even before I am married, as a gift to my husband. 

1 Corinthians 6:18-20 says, "Flee from sexual immorality.  All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.  Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own; you were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your bodies."

I never want to have to look my future husband in the eye and confess to him that I'm no longer pure.  I'm saving myself for him out of love, as a gift to my FH.  My first gift to him.

Without wearing a purity ring, I would still want and strive to be pure, but my purity ring is a tangible reminder of my choice.  I wear my purity ring on my left hand ring finger.  In a way, I see my purity ring as a pre-pre-wedding ring.  A wedding ring is a symbol of one's commitment to their spouse.  An engagement ring announces one's commitment to a soon-to-be spouse.  I wear my purity ring as a symbol of commitment to my FH.  It is a reminder to me that my FH is out there somewhere, hopefully waiting for me like I'm waiting for him.

Since I'm unmarried, I will still date, but while doing so, I will wear my purity ring as a reminder of the commitment I've made to God, to myself, and to my future husband.